You might wonder why I’ve waited so long to write. Looking back on my pregnancy with your brother, I began journalling, writing letters, announcing, processing, over-thinking… all so soon, all so “right away.”
And here we are, halfway through my pregnancy with you, and I’m just now sitting down to type out some thoughts.
Want to know the difference?
I’m not afraid this time.
Before your brother came along, I had heard so many mothers talk about this explosion of love that began the second that they laid eyes on their baby. They always spoke of this love as a most unknowable feeling. What if that doesn’t happen for me? I thought. What if I don’t love him or love being his mother? What if I’m detached and disconnected emotionally?
Then there were all my fears about the sober responsibility that is motherhood, the hard changes that would need to be made, the sacrifices of freedoms that I’ve long since forgotten and haven’t missed at all.
But now I know. Now I know that I already love you. Now I know in my heart that you’re more than welcome to come in and turn my life upside down. I’m looking forward to all the ways we’ll adapt to parent you well (as well as possible anyway), to love you, to teach you the difference between good, better and best. Instead of being worried about all the ways my – our – life will change, I can’t wait to include all that you will bring to the journey, your welcome surprises.
This pregnancy is going by so quickly, but I try to take moments to stop and just BE with you. I’ve been more private about it this time because I’m quietly holding you closer, cherishing without worrying. I love to feel you moving inside. This week was one of the worst weeks I’ve ever known as a hairstylist. I’m sure you felt that. For almost a day, I didn’t feel you kick and was worried that my stress had hurt you. Thanks for coming back.
When I was pregnant with your brother, I just HAD to know the gender. Being a recovering perfectionist, as I was racing towards a goal with no sure standard of success, with so much mystery before me and popular opinion constantly contradicting itself regarding “right” and “wrong” ways to parent, knowing Bennett’s gender gave me the feeling that I at least had a little control over something.
But this time is different. Popular opinion no longer intimidates me. Parenting is messy, wonderful, spontaneous and intentional. Success is only achieved through surrender. And with God in control, my desire for that same control has completely diminished. I don’t need to plan so obsessively with you because I already feel comfortable with you. I’m looking forward to our life together.
So I’m going to let you surprise me, Second. Sometime in July, I’m going to lay eyes on you, my son, or you, my daughter. All we’ll need are a load of diapers and some breast milk. The rest we’ll work out in time.
(Your dad, on the other hand, can’t stand the suspense. This is killing him. He’s dying to know.)
By the way, Bennett is SO looking forward to you being in his life. He already loves you, too. He’s been to the point of tears asking for a sibling and when you give him a high-five from the womb, you literally make his day. He’s going to try to be a great big brother. Take it easy on him, okay?
But if you could get him to eat faster at the dinner table, there might be a reward in store.
I love you so much.