“Trust your gut! Vote for Suzy.”
If you attended Hedgesville High School in 2000, you might have seen this campaign poster plastered throughout hallways and hanging from lockers:
While, yes, I succeeded in clenching the title of “class chaplain,” there is a greater issue to be noted.
Do you see my belly?
No, I was not pregnant. Quite the contrary, I was a virgin. But it was during those years – my high school years – that I discovered the uncanny
ability talent to be able to push out my belly to an insane degree. I mean – come on! – that looks like I’m well into the second trimester at least, right?!
My bud, Mark Mann, even wrote about this phenomenon in our high school paper, The Eagle’s Eye:
Mann’s Believe It or Not
Name one thing that is good for when you’re bored, good for starting conversations, and good for impressing Brazilian missionaries: why it’s Suzy Testa’s stomach of course!…
…When fully stuffed with food, Suzy can go from a flat stomach to a third trimester in seconds. We all know people that can do this to a degree, but Suzy can somehow make her stomach three or four times its normal size. Suzy is very proud of her ability; while on her missions trip this summer, Suzy greatly impressed the missionaries with her stomach, and claims to have eaten more ice cream than anyone on her team. Suzy challenges anyone in the school to an ice cream eating contest. She would also like to remind people that she is neither pregnant nor overweight – she just wants to be a “cute pregnant lady” someday.
Lest we forget just how incredible and distinguishable this talent is, let’s review my average waist size (try not to hate me and just enjoy the glorious Christmas tree in the background):
Brian and I have taken to labeling the “babies” in my belly.
In this picture (taken by another one of my buds, Ben Lebovitz), we called this the Ethiopian Baby:
Clearly I had just indulged myself in Ethiopian food.
I call this one my Red Bean Ice Cream Baby:
Shocking. I know.
(Seriously, if you’ve never had red bean ice cream, you’re missing out. Don’t act like it’s gross; you eat vanilla bean ice cream, don’t you?)
Yes, I had to unbutton my pants. Upon texting my friends, I realized that my giftedness was greater than I had imagined as I even managed to fool women who have children of their own and know how to recognize pregnant bellies. It IS surprising the talents that go undiscovered for so many years…
Except this time it’s not a talent. This time it’s for real.
To be continued…
(PS – We all like to be first in the know, but please do me the favor of nonchalantly sharing this particular post if you’re dying to spread the word that I’m preggo. It’s just more fun this way!)