Darling, you’ll never know how much you mean to me. It’s not that I don’t want you to. No, I’m happy to express this love in as many ways as I know how. But even I’m surprised sometimes at the depths to which it’s rooted, so I guarantee that I’ll fall short in my attempts to put into action these feelings that reside way down deep.
There are these blog readers, however, who *might* have an idea of how much I love you. And if they didn’t already know, well, after this post, they’re gonna… for better or for worse.
Babe, when I think about our relationship and the memories that are taking shape right now, I’m very sensitive to the impressions that I’m etching into your heart and mind. There’s a certain type of mother that I want to be to you. I picture her being attentive and intentional, planning ahead and being steadfast. I picture her being present, available and, above all, modeling the character that she prays you’ll live out one day.
But this mother that I want to be, well, she requires more time. She needs time to set out the oats and soak them the night before. She needs time to match the socks. She needs time to pack the lunches. She needs time to wrap the Christmas gifts. Yes, this mother that I so want to be needs more time and to use it wisely.
Benny-boo, I write a daily blog. You know what that means? It means that every night I turn a thought into some words and paragraphs. The Lord has used this for our good and great reward. On nights when I’ve come home flustered and disgruntled, I’ve been reoriented with the determination to compose a positive post. The very act of writing has refreshed my soul. Not only that, but my readers often express that they feel refreshed, too! And – oh! – how that makes Mommy’s heart soar! Babe, I could eat that for breakfast, lunch and dinner! Not only that, but the daily blog has been good for daddy, too. He likes to laugh and he likes to see how smart mommy is! In my opinion, one of the best outcomes of this blog has been the way that your father has become better understood by my readers. Sweetie, your daddy can be easy to misread (you’ll see), so this has been a true delight.
Not to mention my relationship with blog advertisers has been pretty neat. More than anyone, you have benefitted the most from those arrangements, what with your custom designed cake by Mrs. Jesselyn, your personally made outfits from Mrs. Leslie and your wardrobe and toys from Three Lil Monkeys. What spoils!
Here’s the thing, Bennett: those are lovely rewards, all of them. From the emotional to the tangible, this has been a remarkable season. But I’ve got my sights set on a different reward now, one that definitely has more of a long-term goal.
Some day, surely sooner than I’ll believe, you’ll crawl back out of bed, tip toe into the living room and ask me a question (likely stalling the inevitable bedtime). And you know what I want you to remember from those times? I want you to remember me looking. You. In. The. Eyes. I don’t want your memories of our conversations to be that of my face glowing behind the light of the computer, eyes lowered to the screen. I want to see your eyes and I want you to see mine. My relationship with my readers is blissful, yes, but my relationship with you… it’s a relationship that carries a weighty and lovely responsibility, one that I do not take lightly.
And what else do I want you to remember from all of that tipping and toeing into the living room? I want you to remember Mommy and Daddy paying attention to one another, talking, laughing, engaging. What a disappointment it will be if your memories are of Mommy and Daddy sitting side by side, both quietly fixated on their laptops, completely disconnected from one another. Buddy, you need to see us prioritizing each other’s needs above our own so that one day you’ll do the same for your wife and she, for you.
Lovie, Mommy used to be really, really, really consistent in the Word, digging deep into Scripture and letting it enrich her soul. We all go through seasons of drought here and there and lately I’ve been “thirsty.” There are so many distractions and obligations vying for my attention all the way up until I crash into the bed at night, and again first thing in the morning. But you know what I want you to see first thing in the morning? I want you to see a mom who is seeking the Lord for wisdom, taking time to be quiet, taking time to connect with our Savior that I might lead you in His same holiness and grace. And ya know what would help me manage that in the morning? An earlier bedtime.
All this to say, babe, that I’m giving you a free heads up on one of your Christmas gifts: Bennett, come the new year, Mommy’s not going to write her daily blog anymore. Sure, from time to time she’ll compose a post, chronicling our family highlights, lowlights and regular-lights, perhaps even some silly conversations here and there … a family journal type thing (’cause if you’ve inherited my terrible memory, we’ll BOTH need this).
But the daily commitment will come to an end.
I’ve only got one shot at being your mom, darling. I’m gonna give it all I’ve got.
Much love (much much much),
PS – You’re worth it.