We all agree that I have the most wonderful tattoo in the world, right?
I mean… look at it!
(Story behind the tattoo here.)
That sucker is amazing! Magical! Incredible! If my tattoo were a human, it would fight crime, cure cancer and find a home for every puppy and kitty on the planet!
Oh… You’re listening? I mean… My tattoo? This ol’ thing?
Okay, so I was cruising around JC Penny yesterday and I made a few purchases while I was upstairs. In heading back downstairs to my car, I came to a halt as I saw that men’s robes were on sale. Not being overly masculine myself, normally I wouldn’t try on a man’s robe. But these were so inexpensive, lightweight and jumbo-sized that I had to give them a try.
Don’t forget that Pregnant Square Piece is only getting bigger and it’d be nice to roam the hospital halls in something besides my heavier, warmer, slightly grungy, polka dot robe that doesn’t exactly close itself all the way down because of my belly.
I tried one on.
Oh! Oh, I feel like I’m swimming in this. It’s so soft! I love the roominess and… yep, both sides can wrap completely around my belly! Sold.
Back in line I stood.
This time took longer than my first transaction for some reason and a line began to form behind me. Once I was finally called to a register, a fellow tattooed member of society rang me up and noticed my tattoo himself.
Him, “I like your tattoo! What is it?”
(You wouldn’t believe how many people like it before they know what it is.)
Me, swiveling around to reveal it in all its glory, “It’s knitting.”
Now, at this part, once people’s eyes adjust to it, their enthusiasm usually picks up. His, on the other hand, got swallowed in a pride-deflating, “Oh.”
Me, thinking, ” ‘Oh?… OH?’ I’m sorry, is this too realistic and fancy for you? Have you seen dozens of others walking around just like it? Too feminine? Hrmph.”
When I was finished at JC Penny, I got some Subway and took it to church to have lunch with Brian. Not wanting my hair to fall into my food (like a “dingaling,” right, Momma?), I tied my hair back…
…But I felt something funny.
Wait. What’s this?
Oh. You know. Just walking around with the robe’s sticker in my hair:
Oooooooh, so that’s why the JC Penny man got awkward after I turned around and showed him my tattoo! He saw the sticker!
Dear JC Penny Man,
While, yes, my hair is exceptionally soft, no, I was not intentionally bragging the wonders of my hair through the use of careful sticker placement. It was an accident.
You don’t know me, but I’m not easily embarrassed. If you’d like, we can sit down right now and talk about anything ranging from the errors of my past to the fact that it’s hard not to pee when I sneeze.
Next time please point out the sticker. I can take it. I’m growing a human being in my body so, trust me, I can take the momentary embarrassment of a misplaced sticker.
The same goes for junk in my teeth.