Excessive salivation? Seriously?

I recently discovered that I have some abnormalities.

You might not be shocked.

But when one goes her entire life thinking that a certain reaction is normal and then finds out that no one in her circle of friends has had a similar experience, it’s rather unsettling.

We all know that I hate the cold, right?  And that I especially hate exerting myself in the cold?  And you know how I hate exerting myself at all in the form of exercise?

Well, it’s quite possible that my body is reacting to the cold differently than your body.  Apparently it’s quite common for one’s mouth to get dry when they’re out in the cold; and it’s quite common for one’s mouth to get dry when they’re working out.

Yet I’ve experienced no such dryness.  On the contrary, my mouth keeps producing and producing and producing saliva.  In fact, there seems to be such a production of saliva that I physically feel pain under my tongue (like right in that area that you hope never turns into a double chin).

So, wait, you don’t feel pain under your tongue when you’re cold?  And when you’ve been on the treadmill for .75 miles, that spot under your tongue doesn’t hurt? 

My trainer, Marcus, recently shed light on the fact that this is a phenomenon.  I rolled into my training appointment all bundled up and irritated from the cold.  Trying to give him a heads up, I explained that until spring arrives and the weather warms up, he’s going to have a whiny, grumbly, unhappy little “supermodel” on his hands.  First of all, there’s the fact that cold weather really hurts my ears.  (You, too?)  It actually takes quite some time for the discomfort to subside.

He nodded.  He understood.

Second of all, there’s the fact that my mouth fills with saliva, the spot under my tongue hurts and I want to spit.

He did not nod.  He did not understand.  He did, however, look at me cock-eyed.

Me, “Your mouth doesn’t fill with saliva?”

Marcus, “No, my mouth gets dry.”

Oh, that’d be nice.

Me, “Hmm.  Maybe this is the way it’s supposed to be.”

I mean, having a dry mouth seems like a drag.  But the painful salivation?  Yeah, that’s a drag, too.

So then I googled “excess salivation.”  I was not impressed when page after page of canine drooling issues came up.

Great.  I have a dog’s disease.  Hrmph.

Nothing that I’ve come across seems to describe my sensations.

This isn’t necessarily a cry for help or for you to feel compelled to research all the nooks and crannies of WebMD.com.  But ya better believe that I’m totally using this sucker as an excuse to get out of chilly responsibilities and excessive exercise.

“But I can’t, Marcus!  It’ll make me have to spit!  Remember the saliva thing?!”

Oh, I just love watching people squirm when conversations get weird.  This’ll be fun.