It’s a good thing that I’m not easily embarrassed or today’s post might have been a little hard to write. If anything, I’m more embarrassed for you reading this than for me writing this. So let’s just get this over with, shall we?
We’re going to have to spend our normal four-part weekly update just focusing on the physical changes (and skipping mental, emotional and spiritual updates) as there’s so much ground to cover.
Fair warning: If you’re a very visual person who is easily grossed out, we can resume tomorrow with a nice lighthearted post. If you’re eating, save this for later. If you’re a boy, well, I’m sorry, but we’ve got to discuss some female issues today.
Before I get horrifically honest, here’s some good news to cheer you up:
- My blood work came back negative for anything related to Lymes disease.
- My fingernails are growing like a weed!
(If you’ve made it this far, it’s not too late to turn back before delving into my “issues.”)
Issue number one: (Think you can handle this? Don’t get too hopeful. I’m just easing you in slowly.) Last Friday, my toesies were in such a state of crisis that I finally wore sneakers to work. Sneakers… with my skirt. It looked terrrrrrrrrible, but felt so good. I just avoided all eye contact with full length mirrors for the entire day. The crazy thing is that in spite of the sneakers, my feet were STILL killing me when I had a good three to four hours of standing left. Craziness!
Issue number two: The following day, Day 2 of sneakers, my aching feet were the least of my worries. Remember a while back when I casually mentioned joining The Hemorrhoid Club and made everyone very uncomfortable with that information? Well, strap in, ’cause the ride ain’t over. I thought that I knew what a hemorrhoid was; I thought that I knew what they felt like. HA! I knew n.o.t.h.i.n.g. What I discovered on Saturday is that a hemorrhoid isn’t just something you notice, it’s something you endure. Why, you ask, might this need to be endured? Well, in my opinion, it feels like having a butt rash all-the-live-long-day. (Don’t forget what else I was dealing with on Saturday. Imagine my amusement.)
Before I continue, just so you know that this isn’t my fault, I DO eat a diet both high in fiber, fruit and veggies of all kinds. This is not a dietary issue, nor is it a constipation issue (which does exacerbate hemorrhoids). This is a pregnancy issue. Pressure from my enlarging uterus (which I’m told is the size of a soccer ball), plus increased blood flow to the pelvic area, has caused the veins in my rectal wall to swell and bulge. Essentially, these are varicose veins in (and out of) the rectum. (True story.)
This issue highlighted the fact that now that I’m almost seven months pregnant, I’ve got some serious underwear overhauling to consider. Listen, you didn’t want to know this about me, but Square Piece has major panty opinions. I’ve already been briefed on the fact that I’ll need “granny panties” post delivery for a significant amount of bleeding that will be taking place. (There just aren’t thong-suitable pads big enough that would suffice for the impending flow.) So it’s been in the back of my mind that I’d have to invest in some new, “real” underwear towards the end of my pregnancy (once I see how big my butt really plans on getting). But now? Well, now I’ve had to begin the hunt three months earlier than anticipated because – Ta da! – wearing a thong over a hemorrhoid is about as comfortable as wearing a machete on your eyeball.
So that was the revelation I had on Saturday. (I HATE panty lines, so this mounted an intimidating task on top of an already uncomfortable situation.)
A friend of mine mentioned that Tucks would be soothing and helpful for hemorrhoidal relief, so I picked some up this weekend. (That’s not true. I picked up the generic Target brand.) The directions aren’t as specific as a newbie like me would prefer, so I had to bless my friend one morning with a text that went like this: Morning! Would you keep Tucks in your undies or just wipe with them?
(Wouldn’t you just love to receive that text at random?)
So while I was trying to figure out how to back peddle out of this hemorrhoidal situation, I began digging around for advice online. You know what I read? I read that I should avoid standing for long periods of time. So pretty much, I’m screwed. Kinda. I mean, I AM resting my tushy a lot when I can and I seem to be seeing a favorable difference in that arena. In fact, there’s been enough improvement that I was able to send this text to a different friend a few days later (I’ve just got to spread the crazy around and give everyone their fair share): Exciting update: Went to the Rack. Today begins underwear attempt #1. Status: the almond may now be… well… smaller than an almond.
True friend that she is, she celebrated with me via text.
(Had enough? We’re just getting started.)
Issue number three: I knew that women who have had babies can sometimes lose a little bladder control. I did not know that women who are having babies get to begin practice before the big games. SoOoOoOo… now I have to be extra careful when I sneeze.
Issue number four: Up until a few nights ago, if I’ve felt leg cramps coming on, I’ve been able to ward them off with a quick flex of the foot prior to their onset. The other night, however? Yeah, it got me. And the pain took my breath away. There was nothing I could do but ride it out. (So much for the bananas I had been eating. Hrmph.)
Issue number five: Last, but not least, we need to revisit the leg situation. In this post, I horrified everyone with the sight of my terrible, veiny legs. But those veins were bulging. Now I’ve got a new breed of veins to contend with. These aren’t risen. Instead, I look like I have a thin flower bursting into bloom on my right shin.
Well, that pretty much covers this week’s new developments. I’m not complaining, nor do I feel overwhelmingly discouraged; I’m just observing. It’s all for the cause, right? Now do me a favor and don’t leave this post with the sounds of crickets chirping. I can’t possibly be the only pregnant woman to have ever been hit with these issues, right? We can still be friends, right?