Emotional: My heart feels warm to the fact that instincts might be developing sooner than later (as mentioned two days ago in this post).
Sometimes when I think about how close I am to the end of this pregnancy, my eyes begin to well with tears! And it’s not because I’m scared or upset by how the time has flown, but I simply can’t believe that this is really happening. Back in March, this was such a distant reality.
I am really pregnant.
And this baby is really happening.
Physical: You might think this is ridiculous, but I. Don’t. Care:
I swear my nose has gotten bigger. Now, I’m probably the only person who would ever notice such a teensy, tiny, itty-bitty, subtle, hardly-there difference. But I’m telling you, I think this really happened!
No, this is not causing my world to crumble down around me; I just think it’s worth noting.
Also, I think that Bennett had a growth spurt over Wednesday night. My belly button was flattened out on Thursday morning. That same morning I also felt Bennett reach higher towards my sternum than ever before!
And I don’t mean to jinx myself, but if you’re wondering why I have yet to mention stretch marks during this entire pregnancy, it’s because so far I don’t have any. For the most part, I’ve been using this cream on my belly (got a great deal at hair show). Maybe it’s helped? Who knows? It seems most likely that because I’ve been gaining weight so slowly that my skin has simply had time to slowly adjust to the stretching without much trauma. It’s such a mystery to me how much of that is genetic and how much of that is good skin care.
I’ll likely be posting about my new stretch marks next week.
Mental: So I’ve been thinking about my aversion to Bell’s Palsy (which I mentioned last week in this post). I think that all it comes down to is the same ol’, same ol’: I have control issues.
When I’m in control of my appearance, I feel like to a degree I’m in control of people’s perceptions of me. When I’m in control of these perceptions, then I’m in a better position to keep myself comfortable because I ensure that they’re in my corner, on my team or generally feeling favorable toward me. Dare I call this subtle manipulation? Yeah, I dare.
But if my face became paralyzed? Well, that’d likely make some people uncomfortable. Perhaps they’d be slower to offer assistance at a store or negotiate a better price at a market. Maybe I’d have fewer friends. Then again, maybe I’d have the best, most genuine, least surface-y friendships I’ve ever known!
Spiritual: So I have to trust that the Lord knows best.
It’s exciting to discover more nooks and crannies where I’m still secretly grappling for control. I’m quite good at deceiving myself; so once a little light is shed on my ugly sin, it’s a humbling and awesome opportunity for the Lord to pry another one of my fingers off of the reigns and hand them over to Him.
God’s done the best job being in control; not me. None of the blessings in my life are the work of my own hands.
So I’m thankful for my face twitches and spasms. They’ve been an excellent catalyst for me to be slightly more honest and introspective with myself. I don’t always like what I find, but I’m still a work in progress!