Having Known for 31 Weeks / At Week 37.

Mental: Stayin’ the course!  Though I did forget to mention that a couple of weeks ago I had a dream that after I gave birth to Bennett, the hospital staff was operating some sort of baby black market.  They took him and instead gave me a black cat, insisting that I had just given birth to this cat.  I was adamant that I had not been pregnant with a cat and vowed to make sure I’d catch them the next time.

…Yeah, I don’t know what to tell you about that.

Spiritual: Counting my blessings.

Physical: I feel like I should clarify some points about all of the physical changes that have taken place during this pregnancy.  While, yes, I’ve been quick to make record of every subtle adjustment, what I’ve failed to mention is that these noticeable differences usually only last a week or two.  So, no, I don’t have stuffy ears and dry eyes and hemmorhoids and exhaustion and bulging veins and vertigo and queasiness and back pain and the taste of metal in my mouth…

Usually just as soon as a new pregnancy symptom reveals itself, an old one is already slipping away.  Boy, isn’t that a blessing?!

Brian joined me at my doctor’s appointment on Wednesday and I’m up to 153 pounds (meaning 28 lbs. gained).  He seems to think that’s wonderful and I refuse to bother thinking anything else.

And without being too specific, but wanting to keep tabs on this pregnancy, Brian and I had a conversation that I’m sure he never wants to revisit for as long as we both shall live.  Let’s just say that from now on when I use the word “discharge,” we’ll strictly be talking about a person being discharged and nothing more.  ‘Nuff said.

And, oh yeah, last night Bennett’s position and my position aligned for the very first bellybutton poke out moment.  It’s a fickle bellybutton, so no permanent pop out yet.

Emotional: I cannot keep track of how many times people have asked me, “Are you excited?!”

Uhhhhmmm, suuuuure.

But my version of excitement might be a little disappointing compared to the usual and bouncy giddiness that comes with the average excited territory.

Remember the Christmas tree incident?

Just like that saga, my excitement isn’t anxious or fluttery.  No, my excitement is FOCUSED.  I’m focused on the house, the nursery, the thank you notes, the kitchen cabinets, the sorting, the organizing and the prep.  And that’s not to say that I’m not enjoying this precious time.  No, that’s HOW I’m enjoying this precious time.

Being jittery is not my idea of fun, even if I’m focusing on an exciting end.  Inevitably, I always wind up crashing down to a harsh and painful reality.  So I guess I do life backwards.  First I brace myself for the most realistic, honest and even grim expectations; then once I’m in the thick of it, I thoroughly rejoice and enjoy myself as I realize that the scenario is both real AND far surpassing of my expectations!  Even better than I could have imagined!  So this isn’t to say that I have low expectations going into babyness, but that I have sober expectations.  Then when life turns out to be both real and also more incredible than my sober expectations, my excitement is more genuine because it’s a present excitement instead of daydream.

This might not make a bit of sense.  Perhaps it just sounds like the ramblings of a woman who knows how to justify the walls that she builds to carefully avoid pain, disappointment and depression.  But one day when I loosen up a little bit and learn how to live in the moment, I’ll look back on this and remember where I was and how far I’ve come.