And now for the mental update:
role vs. roll
soul vs. sole
toll vs. tole
bowl vs. owl
coal vs. goal vs. hole vs. whole vs. whose vs. hose vs. dose
Yep. I’m still crazed.
It is infinitely bewildering to me how my brain can be so full and yet so empty all at the same time.
Oh, that’s right. The update.
Mentally, I suppose it’s come as a bit of a surprise how much I feel like myself. When I was younger, there was only one mom, Momma, who – probably unintentionally – helped to carve out my understanding of what moms are like.
Moms are like Momma.
And being that I felt like myself and not like Momma through my pregnancy, I wondered if and when that would switch. And while, yes, she and I have so much in common, becoming a mom has not changed my personality overall. I did not have to put on someone else’s “mommy shoes.” I have my own pair, thank you very much and praise the Lord. Apparently there are all types of moms!
Going back to work after four months of leave felt like waking up from a very surreal dream. In that dream, I was pregnant and had a baby; but the minute that I turned my station on and got sorted, it was as if I had never left.
This might not come as a surprise to you, but I suppose it was a surprise to me: Bennett has a personality, an individual personality. Not having invested in much time with other babies prior to my own, I didn’t know that they were all that different one from another. In my head, just as moms had to be like Momma, babies had to be like babies. They only had one personality that I could tell: a baby personality.
As it turns out, I’ve learned that this was faulty thinking. Not all babies are the same. This baby is VERY alert. Apparently not all babies are. This baby is quite flirtatious. Apparently not all babies are. This baby has settled into a lovely routine in which, through more nights than not, he sleeps. I know I’m blessed and I love this learning process.
Please don’t expect me to remember any important information without you first writing it down. My brain is like quicksand! You can keep dumping stuff into it, but you’ll never get it back out, or at least not without careful effort.
My friend, Sherri, came over in January with a green jacket that she had asked me to pass back along to Louise. About two months later, I texted Sherri a picture of that very same green jacket, assuming that it was hers and that she must’ve accidentally left it at my house. While she tells me that we had a conversation about the pass along, I have zero recollection of that. ZERO.
It’s safe to say that my brain is fried.
As if I didn’t already live on my own Planet Square Piece prior to Bennett, my scope has narrowed even further and I’m finding it harder to show common courtesy. These days, when well-meaning friends, acquaintances and strangers ask me how I’m doing, I typically reply with something like, “I’m happy! I feel good!” Then my I-love-Bennett grin becomes fixed across my face while my eyes get all dreamy (which is very hard to distinguish from sleepy… except there’s usually that, too).
You see what’s missing? What’s missing is the remembrance to show interest in another human being by also asking how THEY are. Nope, I just naturally assume that we need to stop everything and talk about my precious, little human being.
While I’m sure that most people understand, I really, really, really hope that I can get this under control and treat others with the same thoughtfulness and kindness they’ve bestowed upon me.