Lotus birth.

Before shutting down my station for the day, my husband, Brian, came in for a much needed haircut.

Brian is one man who does not take advantage of the fact that he’s married to a stylist.  No, he might get his hair cut twice a year, three times at the most.  While most clients practically melt into the shampoo bowl while enjoying a good head massage, Brian remains rigid and completely uncomfortable the entire time.

So we decided to forego the shampoo step today.

I don’t know if it’s the tenderness between two people having a baby or if Brian’s finally picked up on my “back against the chair, chin up” mantra, but neither of us left the haircut frustrated tonight.

Former Square Piece used to take things a wee bit personally when cutting her husband’s hair.  Here’s the thing: when a client slumps four inches forward in the chair, then I have to lean in an extra four inches to comfortably reach her.  When I lean in, I have to slightly hover over the back of the chair, bending my back in a subtle, but uncomfortable, position.  While I’ll recite the mantra a few times for my clients, Square Piece prefers to only have to say it once to her husband.

After having said it two or three times, Former Square Piece would then dramatically lament to Brian, “When you lean forward, it makes me feel like you don’t love me.  You obviously don’t care that my back hurts, otherwise you wouldn’t keep doing it!  If you cared, you’d pay attention.”

(I giggle to myself at the silliness of such exasperation.  Wouldn’t it be funny if I pulled those lines on my regular clientele?  He he he… “You obviously don’t love me…”)

Nope, tonight Brian did great.  His hair is VERY short now.  (It’s the kind of short that makes me think he’ll need his next haircut when I’m as big as a whale.)  Being that both of us were happy to see each other and my picky stylist feelings weren’t being hurt, I enjoyed the opportunity to freak Brian out with some childbirth discussion.

Me, “Brian, one of my clients is a midwife and she was telling me about something called a lotus birth.  Have you ever heard of a lotus birth?”

Brian, getting uncomfortable, “No.”

Me, “Well, you know how the baby is born still attached to the umbilical cord?”

Brian, “Yeah.”

Me, “Actually, this part isn’t about the lotus birth, but it’s interesting and I definitely want to do it.  She said that the umbilical cord is still pulsing and you can request for them to wait to cut the cord until it stops pulsing because up to one third of the baby’s blood supply is still in the cord.  I mean, the baby’s going to be fine either way, but that just makes good sense.  She said it can take around 10 minutes.”

Brian, “Uh huh.”

Me, “But the lotus birth is different because the mom births the baby, doesn’t cut the umbilical cord, then births the placenta and keeps the baby attached to the placenta with the umbilical cord.  They just keep the placenta around in a bag for a while until the umbilical cord shrivels up and detaches on its own.”

Brian, cringing.

Me, “Yep, they just carry it around.  Can you imagine going to the grocery store like that?  I mean, just carrying an organ around?”

Brian, “Do we have to talk about this?  That’s *#&%@! disgusting.”

Me, desperately trying to keep a straight face, “I think I want to do it.”

Brian, “No.”

Me, already laughing, “I’m just kidding!  I just couldn’t wait to mess with you!”

Brian, “Seriously, the thought of it just makes me want to throw up.”

Oh, this is going to be fun…



  1. May 10, 2012

    I had to look this up…I thought you were joking…but you’re not! I don’t think I could handle this. I am going to freak my family out with it though. 😉

  2. May 10, 2012

    Okay, I couldn’t resist; if the organ survives to the middle school years or could be preserved through the middle school years, that would be a good thing. I’m pretty sure after 10 years of teaching middle school that the kids lose at least 1/2 of the blood supply to their brains anyhow. 🙂 Just wanted to add my two cents.

  3. May 10, 2012

    (Great job on the freak out though!)

  4. May 10, 2012


  5. May 10, 2012

    I just recently found out that some women eat their placenta, it apparently has health benefits. In capsule form or like meat, “placenta tacos” haha. You should tell him about that. 😉

  6. May 10, 2012
    Brian Spears

    Our home is not Pro Cannibal, no placenta taco’s. LOL

  7. May 10, 2012

    Too funny!!!!!!

  8. May 10, 2012
    Dawn Spears

    Yes !! I remember the total Natural Movement of the 90’s. You have to deliver in water w/Brian as the “catcher”. Brian then must “bite” the cord (so Brian can feel the life force) and place the baby on your chest. Then, Brian is to gather the placenta for you to eat later ( all the iron & vitamins) and then you “Must” breast feed. The Dr. is only on stand by and all of this is supervised by your Mid-Wife. (Who saw an add to be a Mid-Wife, on the back of a pack of matches…..when smoking was in vogue.)..Honest!!!

  9. May 11, 2012

    That’s nasty! So glad right now that i work the day shift or I would have beaten brian to that’s $&#%ing disgusting …I can hear almost all ur stories at the desk 🙂

  10. May 11, 2012

    He’s going to pass out in the delivery room. Lol

  11. May 11, 2012

    I think it would be sad to watch the placenta drying up, but I agree with you about the blood supply. Had I known, I would have done!

    I DO love you even though I lean forward. My back just gets more and more curved as I get older. I will definitely try harder because I can so identify with your pain from stooping! Pretend I’m Brian and make an impression so I remember 🙂

  12. May 11, 2012

    oh my goodness, I had to wait for the tears to stop flowing just to type a reply! tears born from the hysterical laughter at the mental picture of this conversation. 😀

    Thank you for lightening my day!!

  13. May 13, 2012

    You are too funny!!

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