Millwork, part 1.

Brian and I are a little behind on house projects. We moved into this home six years ago, but are presently making some substantial improvements. Back deck? Check. Amazing glass doors from which to exit the kitchen onto the back deck? Check. Weird and amusing ways to finally get these doors? Check.

You’d want back doors that overlooked your backyard, too (trust me), if your current view was one side of your ugly, brown garage. And how better to enjoy a new deck than to have a grand entrance onto it?

So Brian and I went to Home Depot last night to attempt to find French doors. He said we’d want our doors to be eight feet wide, but suggested that I pick them out (I have better taste). After looking around and getting some moderate help, we were told that they don’t carry 6’x8′ doors in stock. They’d have to order them. No can do. Backyard concert is next week. Square Piece needs doors now.

So while I was sitting at Home Depot, I called Lowes.

Perhaps Lowes has 6’x8′ French doors in stock.

Lowes, “Thank you for calling Lowes… Espanol, prensa 3… For directions to the store, press one. For store hours, press 2. To reach a department directly, press five…”

I pressed five. I needed the door department.

“For information on deliveries, press one. Doors? For scheduled installations, press 2. Doors? Commercial sales, press 3. Doors? Appliances, press 4. Doors? Lumber and building materials, press 5. Doors? Flooring, press 6. Doors? Hardware and tools, press 7. Doors? For more departments, press 8.”

I pressed eight. I needed the door department.

“For millwork, press 1. Doors? Paint, press 2. Doors? Plumbing, press 3. Doors? Lighting and electrical, press 4. Doors? Outdoor equipment and furnishings, press 5. Doors? Nursery, press 6. Doors? Window and wall coverings, press 7. Doors? Cabinets, press 8. Hmmm… To repeat these options, press 9.”

I pressed nine. I needed the door department. I heard the whole thing repeated and figured I’d press seven because windows were the closest thing to doors that I could make out.

Lowes, “Windows. How can I help you?”

Me, “Yes. Do you have 6’x8′ French doors?”

Lowes, “Oh, you called the window department. You need the millwork department.”

Millwork? What the…?

Lowes, “Millwork.”

Me, “Yes. Do you have 6’x8′ French doors?”

Lowes, “Oh, yes.”

Me, excited, “Really? Are they wooden? Are they white?”

Lowes, “Yeah, we’ve got them. Come on in!”

About five minutes later I called Lowes again, this time promptly pressing five, and then eight, and then one.

Lowes, “Millwork.”

Me, “It’s me again about the French doors. They’re eight feet wide, right? Not eight feet high?”

Lowes, “Yep! Eight feet wide.”

Me, “Okay, great!”

I informed Brian of my success and we headed to Lowes. Upon entering, I explained to Brian that we needed to find the millwork department, though I’ve never seen a sign for millwork in my life.

Me, “Will it say doors or millwork? Does anyone that works here even know what millwork is? I bet we could ask an employee to show us to the millwork department and they wouldn’t know what we were talking about. Can we wander around and pretend to be lost to see if anyone can point us in the millwork direction?”

Brian, “No. I have too much pride.”

Men don’t like to be lost. Or to pretend to be lost.

Well, we found the millwork department and wouldn’tchaknow? All the signs said DOORS. Not. Millwork. DOORS! However I did get very excited when we pressed the button for assistance.

Lowes intercom: Assistance needed in the millwork department.

Millwork! I poked Brian in the side several times. You see, I couldn’t get over this new word of mine. I was fascinated by the lingo.

A jolly young guy practically skipped over, “How can I help you, man?” (This guy reminded me of the character on Friends who worked in the copy store with the girl with the bellybutton ring. The guy with the afro and the cheesy grin.)

Brian, “Yeah, we were just on the phone about the French doors…”

Jolly fellow, “Yeah, yeah!”

Me, “We were wondering about the 8′ doors.”

Jolly fellow, long – yet sharp – inhale, “Yeah… No. I don’t think we have those in stock. We could order them.”

I was rather unimpressed by the deceit, but not entirely shocked. This is my life. These things always happen.

To be continued…