Out of Context.

It’s been too long since I’ve mocked the enthusiasm of the Food Network stars.  In all fairness, I wouldn’t be any different if I had my own show.  Every day I’d discover my next “favorite” recipe and likely use bizarre expressions to communicate the appeal of the food to you, you who can’t taste it or smell it, but are content to watch it.

Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives, Guy Fieri:  “This has really got some texture.  It’s got depth to it.”

Guy, I hate to point out the obvious, but technically every single food that you taste has “some texture.”  You might not like the texture.  But if you can eat it, there is a texture there.

Giada Delaurentis: “Mushrooms are a really great way to add texture to vegetarian dishes.”


Do you hear that sound?  That’s the sound of me dragging my soapbox out of the closet so that I can rant about the definition of texture.

Paula Deen, as seen on Rachael Ray: “It’s amazing.  You think a chicken is a chicken.  No, a chicken is not a chicken.”

Oh, shoot.  I thought a chicken was a chicken.  How am I going to explain this to Bennett?  But, wait, does a chicken that IS a chicken have texture?  Oh, that’s right!  Everything has some kind of texture!

Melissa D’Arabian: It’s always great to have a top notch lasagna recipe in your back pocket.

*checking my back pocket*

Darn it!  Where’s the top notch lasagna recipe?!  Phone?  Check.  Lint?  Check.  Top notch lasagna recipe?  Nope.  Nada.  I mean, all I could fit was this little ol’ mediocre lasagna recipe.  I don’t think these leopard print skinny jeans have enough wiggle room for anything fancier.


  1. February 26, 2013

    Chicken is food baby!

  2. February 26, 2013


  3. February 26, 2013


  4. February 26, 2013

    This is entertaining! I had no idea you had this as a soapbox! Is it just Food Network? Love it!

  5. February 26, 2013

    *chuckles* “You funny lady” (in my best Asian voice).

  6. February 26, 2013

    They need to add ‘layers of” to ‘texture’, as they do on
    Top Chef. Much more descriptive 🙂 Isn’t it funny how we can enjoy watching all this food with nary a taste. Or, how I love, love, love Project Runway but could not wear anything they design due to size and age. We get pleasure through our eyes only. The word
    ‘voyeur’ should really be applied to all things sensual, not just sexual, in my opinion.

  7. February 27, 2013

    The fact that you have engaged all of us in your blog about the food network is proof of the “texture” of your creative writing skills! Love and look forward to
    your cleaver perspective! You are such a Gem!

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