Still morning.

This morning feels still.

The house is silent.  The clock is ticking.

My heart and mind are simultaneously full of curiosity about what is to come.  Today marks the first day of my last week working before Bennett arrives.

In terms of my heart, I’m told I’ll experience a love like no other, a love never felt before toward any individual who has ever graced my life before.

Will this be instantaneous?  Is it for everyone?  Does it leave room for growth?  Will I seem too relaxed and casual about this love?  Will it make me cry tears of joy?  What if it doesn’t happen right away for me?  I’ve always been such a thinker.  Will I have the capacity to be a feeler?

In terms of my mind, I’m thrilled to see this pregnancy through to the end.  It’s been a fascinating journey discovering all of the subtle ways in which my body has been equipped to maintain the growth and development of another human being.  From the extra blood volume to the heightened sense of smell, the autopilot switch has been on for months now.

What else is my body capable of?  What will it feel like for my oxytocin levels to rise?  Will I feel like my body is drugging me?  When my catecholamines release during labor (the “fight or flight” hormones) will I be loud and determined?  Or will I be quiet and determined?  Will I even be determined at all?  Or am I going to loose my nerve?  Has my body ever released beta endorphin before?  Will this natural, pain-killing hormone make me feel like I’m on another planet?  What position will be preferable for delivery?  Will my milk come in the blink of an eye?  Will I get stretch marks on my breasts?

Normally, if I had this many questions about one topic, I’d be click-clacking away on Google to find all of my answers.  But right now only God holds those answers.  And I think that’s why, instead of feeling nervousness and anxiety with the clock ticking, it’s actually just making me feel calm.  I know my answers are coming.  It’s just a matter of time.



  1. October 16, 2012

    A very cool time indeed. You are so wise to be wondering while being comforted by Gods sovereignty. He IS in charge.
    As far as the loving part, you should not feel guilty or unnerved about how you feel in any case. With Ross I hurt so bad and my whole world was turned around so much that while I did love him initially, I could not focus my whole heart and mind on bonding with him until after the first few weeks. With Darcy, I didn’t hurt as much, but I was very worried about Ross adjusting, so it took a few weeks to really become completely enamored with her. But it did come, and has continued to change and get richer. God has given you Bennett and will not let your heart sit empty. If it isn’t instant, it WILL come.
    I’m so excited for you guys! I’m praying for level heads and open hearts.

  2. October 16, 2012

    With Caden it was instant. Prob because I was sick at the end and so happy he was ok. With Silas it felt strange the love was different or at least the feeling was. But the min he looked right at my eyes we connected. It’s like he was saying I know your voice your my mommy. You will be busy and prob focusing on keeping up with everything but you will get the hang of it. Then things will slow down and you will be totally in love and amazed by his little life

  3. October 16, 2012

    Was in love with all five of you, before you were born …. and then when I laid eyes on each of you, the love grew … even with Olivia, the minute I saw her, I knew she was mine to love.

  4. October 16, 2012

    i remember so vividly the last few days before i gave birth. the feelings were so intense…knowing i had only a few hours before my life would change forever, that i would never be the same, my lifestyle would never be the same. those hours were so long because the anticipation of this great mystery that was about to come, and they were so short because i was afraid i would miss my old life too. its been such a privilege to hear your heart over the last 9 months suzy.

  5. October 16, 2012
    Nicole K.

    It might not happen right away with the pain and exhaustion and your own nerves…but it WILL happen. Ty is five now, and I am still amazed that I love him more every day. Whatever happens, know that your experience will be different from everyone else’s, and that there is no right or wrong. I pray for a safe delivery and look forward to hearing about your journey from here forward!

  6. October 16, 2012

    Part of the wonder of having a child is seeing your reaction to this whole new experience in life. You will be able to stand back and consider yourself. You will grow and have room for analysis and worry and PLEASURE! But, from the day he’s born, Bennett will become such a predominant force in your mind, not just your heart, you will travel each day with him near, if not at, the forefront of your thoughts. I can only tell you it will become second nature to be a mom, but when you awaken from each night’s sleep, you will think of him.

  7. October 16, 2012

    The live is instant and will most likely bring tears. Yes there is room for growth. The heart has an amazing capacity for love.

  8. October 20, 2012

    The good things about delivery- you completely forget every second of pain you just went through…and you loose close to 25 pounds! Oh and of course you get to meet your little handsome fella! I’m so excited

  9. October 22, 2012

    Kudos to you for having a baby b/c the more I think about it, I’m like “oh hell no”. I know that it’s worth it and yada yada but I was just thinking about you having him, actually giving birth to him. I can’t even imagine what facial expressions you might have. I don’t want to see you in pain. 🙁

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