This morning feels still.
The house is silent. The clock is ticking.
My heart and mind are simultaneously full of curiosity about what is to come. Today marks the first day of my last week working before Bennett arrives.
In terms of my heart, I’m told I’ll experience a love like no other, a love never felt before toward any individual who has ever graced my life before.
Will this be instantaneous? Is it for everyone? Does it leave room for growth? Will I seem too relaxed and casual about this love? Will it make me cry tears of joy? What if it doesn’t happen right away for me? I’ve always been such a thinker. Will I have the capacity to be a feeler?
In terms of my mind, I’m thrilled to see this pregnancy through to the end. It’s been a fascinating journey discovering all of the subtle ways in which my body has been equipped to maintain the growth and development of another human being. From the extra blood volume to the heightened sense of smell, the autopilot switch has been on for months now.
What else is my body capable of? What will it feel like for my oxytocin levels to rise? Will I feel like my body is drugging me? When my catecholamines release during labor (the “fight or flight” hormones) will I be loud and determined? Or will I be quiet and determined? Will I even be determined at all? Or am I going to loose my nerve? Has my body ever released beta endorphin before? Will this natural, pain-killing hormone make me feel like I’m on another planet? What position will be preferable for delivery? Will my milk come in the blink of an eye? Will I get stretch marks on my breasts?
Normally, if I had this many questions about one topic, I’d be click-clacking away on Google to find all of my answers. But right now only God holds those answers. And I think that’s why, instead of feeling nervousness and anxiety with the clock ticking, it’s actually just making me feel calm. I know my answers are coming. It’s just a matter of time.