The failure incident.

Something happened yesterday that I don’t want to talk about… which is exactly why I’m blogging about it today.  Nope, I’d rather avoid this altogether and talk more about what sort of cheese I had for lunch, but I’m gonna put on my big girl pants and face the shame.

Living with anxiety (of judgement from parents who do things differently), fear (of being looked down upon), embarrassment (for not being perfect) and worry (that I’m the only one) has ALWAYS produced a fertile ground for the Enemy to sow lies and isolation into my mind.

So even though it makes my stomach a little sick, I’m gonna admit what happened yesterday to be sure that I don’t become a woman who walks around with hidden shame, being a pretender.  No, I’d rather air my imperfections and bond more closely to the clique who admits their failures honestly.  Hopefully we can build each other up.

I fell.

I fell with Bennett.

I fell with Bennett strapped to me in a carrier… in the front… on a walk…

On the hard sidewalk.

I believe that I might have gotten tripped up in Esther’s leash, but to be honest, it all happened so fast that I don’t remember how I fell at all.  (Though – strangely – it did feel somewhat like slow motion.)

I know my feet and ankles failed me first; I know I landed first on my knees and then on my side, NOT on Bennett (Thank you, Jesus.).  This put me on the sidewalk on my right side with Bennett facing me on his left side.

My baby cried as he was jolted awake and I was left feeling like the worst mother ever.  Upon thorough investigation, there’s not a scratch to be found on him and he’s definitely still himself in every way, presently protesting how sleepy he is.  No bruises.

In a matter of minutes he was back to sleep, bobbing along as a friend and I finished our walk.  First I called Momma for emotional reassurance and the answer to the question, “He wouldn’t have fallen back to sleep if his bones were broken, right?”  Then I called Brian for the same emotional reassurance and sympathy.  Then when my hubby came home, I demonstrated the fall on our king size bed (minus Bennett, obviously) so that Brian could understand in every way exactly what happened.

You know what you’re feeling when you slump your shoulders in defeat?  That’s mostly how I feel.  That, plus a generous dose of gratitude to the Lord for protecting us both from greater injury than my little scraped and bruised knee.  Momma says that every day she prays for our safety, health, protection, etc.  Isn’t that so kind?  I sure do appreciate it.

So mostly I’m just posting this confession to be sure that I don’t become the type of person who walks around, pretending that she’s never been a risk or endangerment to her child, smiling on the outside when she’s scared on the inside.  Apparently awful accidents can happen when you least expect it no matter how much you love your children.  So I’m assuming that I’m not alone.  And I am greatly relieved to not have to be the woman that the world watches as it anxiously awaits some glamorous failures in parenthood.  Nope, got that over with pretty early, I’d say.

Please feel free to comment any variety of encouragement or admittance of your own shortcomings!  But if you feel inclined to make this about baby carriers and dog leashes, please understand that I’ve obviously already reconsidered ways to avoid these falls in the future and that I have the power to delete discouragement, at least from Square Piece anyway.


  1. February 8, 2013
    Joan Dedman

    Please you are not the first or last to fall with your child in tow. We were on vacation once (Wesley was about 2) it was dark, we were walking back from dinner on the side of the road……I fell in a BIG DEEP DITCH carrying her! I got hurt….she was FINE! I can also tell you about bumping both kids on the head while carrying them and walking thru a door. The frame of the door is obvious, but bump them I did.

  2. February 8, 2013

    a fall is not a fail

    you obviously did something to protect Bennett (aren’t instincts great?) because he wasn’t injured.

    you certainly didn’t set out to fall. on a hard sidewalk. with Bennett.

    that stuff just happens sometimes, and you roll with it the best you can (and you obviously rolled very well)

    though it doesn’t hurt that you’re blessed to have a momma who is one seriously powerful prayer warrior!

    • The weird thing is that I don’t remember ANY instincts! If I fell in the best way to protect Bennett, the instinct only reached me physically, but not mentally. That actually made me wonder, since I didn’t remember thinking it, if I had those instincts at all! But we’re all well, so maybe yes?

      • February 12, 2013

        that’s exactly what an instinct is–you just do it without thinking!

  3. February 8, 2013

    Sorry to hear you fell and hope your knee is feeling better- ouch! By God’s grace our little ones are tough kiddos! I fell once walking during the winter while pregnant and was so scared I harmed my baby. My husband watched helpless as our oldest slipped and rolled down the wooden stairs when he was 2. Parenting is such a humbling experience!

  4. February 8, 2013

    uh, suzy, there are sooo many parents wayyyyy more dumber than you are, that drop babies, let their babies swim in the toilet, pick them up by the wrong parts of their body. and an unntarually high percentage survive. i think babies are made to withstand parental operator errors. they’re much heartier and sturdier than you’d think. otherwise we would have had to take phoenix to the ER like every day. or more.

  5. February 8, 2013

    Accidents happen. We, as parents, do our best to protect our children but we can not all the time, no matter how careful we are. I have several stories…. the worst was not even my child. While babysitting for a friend, I was carrying her young son down a flight of carpeted stair and my foot slipped off the step. He bounced (literally) out of my hands, down the stair and landed on his head. He was crying but no worse for wear. I was a wreck. That young man is 24 years old now and a mechanical engineer. I still Praise God for protecting him!

  6. February 8, 2013

    Oh Suzy, this brought tears to my eyes that you would doubt your mothering in the slightest. I felt the same way once…Lexi and I were both sick as can be and all she wanted was to lay in bed with mommy so I put the body pillow on the side of the bed and thought she was barracaded in so she couldn’t fall…apparently she sleeps like me and flails in her sleep…needless to say she fell off the bed while we were both sleeping and thank the Lord that Chris had a pile of his laundry there but that was the worst feeling of my life and I doubted myself and second guessed myself for weeks. Thank the Lord that He reassured me that I was not the worst mother in the world and that my daughter was ok and that we were in His Hands the whole time…but it sure was a rude awakening <3 Bennett is a very lucky little boy. I don't know if you hear that enough, but he is.

  7. February 8, 2013

    Someone needs a muffin from mimi’s cafe. And a hug! Hope your knee heals soon! Glad bennett is doing well! Hugs.

  8. February 8, 2013

    I echo the comment that a fall is certainly NOT a fail! I, too, fell with one of my girls as a baby down my back porch steps one Sunday when the steps were slippery from a rain the night before. I hurt my leg pretty bad, but, praise God, I somehow held my baby in a way that she wasn’t hurt at all. God is there…always…it is good to see our utter dependence upon Him, especially during our every minute of parenting!

  9. February 8, 2013

    Yes, I’m praying you never know the loss of a child, like I did with your sister …. and that he stays safe from serious injuries/illnesses …. it will be hard enough when the scrapes/bruises from rough-housing come into play. 😉

    Like I said earlier, God knew exactly who Bennett’s Momma and Daddy should be, and you’re both showing Him to be faithful in that, by doing a very good job of raising him.

  10. February 8, 2013
    Sebrina Shadler

    So here’s a cute story to lighten your day. My son went into a relationship with a girl he grew up with but who had a three month old when they started dating. She had been a single mom for so long and he finally convinced her to go out for a few hours all by herself. took many weeks of talking and finally she went out. Josie (baby)had not started to roll over yet so he put her on the bed and turned around to throw on some pants. And guess what Josie learned to do right at that moment…you guessed it…roll over. She rolled right off the bed. He called me all freaked but then once he realized she was ok Laura (mom) walked in I heard him tell her “Guess what? Josie rolled over and you know what else? She bounces” I laughed so hard. Laura was more upset that she missed her roll over she totally missed the fact that she had rolled off the bed. You will be just fine!!! You got this!!!!

  11. February 8, 2013
    Megan Harris

    My kids have received numerous injuries because of poor supervision on my part. Once, Joshua feel off his toybox and hit his head on a metal radiator while i was in the room with him!
    And that’s just one of the many stories…sigh

  12. Oh, Suzy, I have been there! When Nathan was about 4 months old, I was holding him and walking out our front door in CO to get the mail or something. My ankle totally gave way, and I fell out the door. He flew out of my arms and BOUNCED on the concrete porch. It was so horrifying, and I felt like the worst mother ever because I somehow let go. : ( I actually went to the ER because he was scraped up on his head, and he was supposed to have his well-baby appt. in a few days, and I was afraid they would think terrible things about me if it wasn’t documented. So I waited for forever because he was totally fine, LOL. And now, 15 years later, he got his learner’s permit today. Whew! Parenting is just scary, no 2 ways about it! (((Hugs!!!)))

  13. February 8, 2013
    Janice Cline

    When my 29 year old was newborn, I was trying to accomplish the contortions needed to load her into the backseat location of her carseat that was permanently installed in our 2-door VV Rabbit. I managed to whack her head on the frame of the open door. Naturally she screamed until I was able to get her soothed. Thankfully she was fine and her tiny head was not injured beyond the frightening jolt. But as you, I felt like a terrible, careless mom.

    I am so glad you and Bennett are fine (except your knee and psyche).

  14. February 8, 2013

    I have two adult children who are fine. One rolled off her changing table into the waste basket, the other was in my arms as I fell and split the knee of my pants when leaving a ride in Disneyland. When older, and playing independently, even worse things happened. If you think of all of the days of our lives, some will be easier and safer than others. Those are the rules. They bounce back and we bounce back, but it takes us far longer than it takes them because we have the emotional baggage, not just the physical insult. I wish you, Brian and Bennett no more than a knee scrape and bruise in your future. For sure….with love.

  15. February 8, 2013
    Heather F

    Suzy, you are by no means alone. I had not 1 but count them 2 car accidents with Robert in the car. One when he was a year and a half….and it was my fault….reached over to get his pacifier off the floor … While driving…punched the accelerator by accident and nose dived into the center median on rt 7 just past Leesburg…my car became a convertible as they actually had to cut me out of the car…Robert had not a scratch on him. The second one was near Middletown MD, and a girl ran a stop sign and I t-boned her pick up and totaled yet another car…again Robert came out unscathed…he had a little bump on his forehead from the back seat. We all do things unintentionally, and yet for the grace of God our children usually come out all right.

  16. February 8, 2013

    Hi Suzy. I can tell by the number of responses that this resonates with tons of moms. We have had numerous such incidents.

    * I was snoozing on the bed with Helena when she was wee little and she managed to roll off my chest and right off the bed.

    * Paul was helping Ella learn how to ride a bike and he had Beatrice strapped to his back. Ella swerved in front of him knocking him down. He somehow managed to twist his body mid-air and not land on top of her.

    * I got Ella out of her carseat one day and was having a hard time closing the van door. After several failed attempts I noticed that I was slamming it on Ella’s leg.

    * One day while buckling Ella into her carseat I accidentally pinched her belly with the 5-point harness. She looked up with me great angst and said, “You did it to me!”

  17. February 8, 2013

    Let’s see. On my watch Darian has….fallen off his grandparents’ king-sized bed and busted his nose up at less than a year old….pushed the door to the basement open and fallen down the basement steps….fallen off Mom and Dad’s porch onto a rock….many other things too numerous to remember. Glad you’re both okay.

  18. February 18, 2013

    We’re just going to take care of that feeling of isolation right now and pray, by the Blood of Jesus that those thoughts and feelings leave you and never return. That He wards off those thoughts and protects your mind as He has mine. A fortress around your thought life and to always remember that you are never alone in any situation. In Jesus Name, Amen!

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