You don’t often hear a grown man cry.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t even reach out and provide a hug as my brother, Joey, was too far away and a wretched phone was our only connection.
The twins no longer have heartbeats.
I hate that.
We all wept for their loss. Later, Momma and I wondered if Charley was enjoying his grandbabies up there. Assuming so, we’re rightly jealous.
Oh, Joey and Caitlin would have made fine parents. And by fine, I mean like fine cheese or fine wine. A rarity. And there’s nothing saying that they won’t still be fine parents, but we still grieve this lost chance.
At times like these, so many people shake their fist at God. So many people attempt to sever that tie, angry at His sovereign will. They wonder why a God who claims to be love could ever inflict so much pain.
I don’t wonder that. I do indeed find Him to BE love and I trust that in His omniscience, he’s allowing a present blow in order to spare us a greater heartache. Long ago, upon pondering the loss of my sister, Heather, I convinced myself that God must have known that leaving her here would have resulted in a pain much more excruciating than letting her join Him in heaven. Perhaps her handicaps would have resulted in childhood torment? Who knows what type of father my dad would have been to her? Might she have been a victim to a heinous, violent crime? Who can say?
He took her home at mere months old. Even though I don’t know the big picture and I can’t be sure what might have been had she lived, I trust that God, in His mercy, brought her home for a good I’ll never know.
And so today I choose worship. Worship does not have to be exclusive of sadness. The Lord made us to feel and indeed I feel utterly low with weight and sorrow for my brother and his wife. But. I still. Choose. Worship.
Oh, the Lord is good. He sparked something in Joey and Caitlin that I’ll bet they never knew existed. For a time He chose to bless them with wonder, mystery and life. He will hold those lives and there will surely be a reunion. For that I give thanks. He has connected man and wife on a deeper level, and for that, too, I give thanks.
I once heard someone say from the pulpit, “If this Lord never lifted another finger for me for the rest of my life, it would still take all eternity to bless His name.”
Believe it. He has not held back His goodness from us. There’s no love left to give as it’s all already been utterly poured out for us. So while I am sad (and while I prayed that the doctors made some sort of mistake… “Surely you’ve performed greater miracles than this, Lord?”), I refuse to love my Lord conditionally.
His greatness is not contingent upon my ability to understand His ways. I trust in His love and I trust that He will care for the twins while providing a ripple effect of comfort to my family and outward.
But we’d surely appreciate your prayers.