Twins in heaven.

You don’t often hear a grown man cry.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t even reach out and provide a hug as my brother, Joey, was too far away and a wretched phone was our only connection.

The twins no longer have heartbeats.

I hate that.

We all wept for their loss.  Later, Momma and I wondered if Charley was enjoying his grandbabies up there.  Assuming so, we’re rightly jealous.

Oh, Joey and Caitlin would have made fine parents.  And by fine, I mean like fine cheese or fine wine.  A rarity.  And there’s nothing saying that they won’t still be fine parents, but we still grieve this lost chance.

At times like these, so many people shake their fist at God.  So many people attempt to sever that tie, angry at His sovereign will.  They wonder why a God who claims to be love could ever inflict so much pain.

I don’t wonder that.  I do indeed find Him to BE love and I trust that in His omniscience, he’s allowing a present blow in order to spare us a greater heartache.  Long ago, upon pondering the loss of my sister, Heather, I convinced myself that God must have known that leaving her here would have resulted in a pain much more excruciating than letting her join Him in heaven.  Perhaps her handicaps would have resulted in childhood torment?  Who knows what type of father my dad would have been to her?  Might she have been a victim to a heinous, violent crime?  Who can say?

He took her home at mere months old.  Even though I don’t know the big picture and I can’t be sure what might have been had she lived, I trust that God, in His mercy, brought her home for a good I’ll never know.

And so today I choose worship.  Worship does not have to be exclusive of sadness.  The Lord made us to feel and indeed I feel utterly low with weight and sorrow for my brother and his wife.  But. I still. Choose. Worship.

Oh, the Lord is good.  He sparked something in Joey and Caitlin that I’ll bet they never knew existed.  For a time He chose to bless them with wonder, mystery and life.  He will hold those lives and there will surely be a reunion.  For that I give thanks.  He has connected man and wife on a deeper level, and for that, too, I give thanks.

I once heard someone say from the pulpit, “If this Lord never lifted another finger for me for the rest of my life, it would still take all eternity to bless His name.”

Believe it.  He has not held back His goodness from us.  There’s no love left to give as it’s all already been utterly poured out for us.  So while I am sad (and while I prayed that the doctors made some sort of mistake… “Surely you’ve performed greater miracles than this, Lord?”), I refuse to love my Lord conditionally.

His greatness is not contingent upon my ability to understand His ways.  I trust in His love and I trust that He will care for the twins while providing a ripple effect of comfort to my family and outward.

But we’d surely appreciate your prayers.


  1. I am saddened to hear this and will definitely be praying for you all. You are such a great example of faith–a living and breathing and proclaiming of Psalm 34:1.

  2. January 6, 2014

    Amen, Suzy.

  3. January 6, 2014
    Aunt Manny


  4. January 6, 2014

    I’m sorry to hear this news. Joey, Caitlin, and your entire family are in my prayers. I can so relate to this post. I carried (and probably still carry some) anger toward God after Jeff died. It wasn’t until I worked at NIH in pathology that I was able to let go of that anger and know that God knew what He was doing and had perfect love for my family in Jeff’s death. A pathologist, Dr. Merino, was able to explain to me that while yes the chemo brought on the heart attack that killed Jeff, and ultimately cured the cancer, if Jeff had lived, he wouldn’t have had a life because the radiation treatments had done an extreme amount of damage to his kidneys and liver. It dawned on me that in many ways Jeff would have been an invalid, and that my brother would not have wanted to live that way. I don’t know if that made sense, but know your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

  5. January 6, 2014

    I love Suzy! I’ll be praying for all of you!

  6. January 6, 2014

    I am so sorry. Words are empty at a time like this, but I do know God is good-all the time. May Joey and his wife find comfort.

  7. January 6, 2014
    Lisa Mikitarian

    I’m with you–I worship and love our Lord. Period. And I worship Him in this–even as I have grieved the loss of life here on earth. My heart breaks for Joey and Caitlin–but God is the Great Healer for all of us under every circumstance.

  8. January 6, 2014

    So sad but know this is for the greater good. I truly have faith God would never deprive two potentially wonderful parents of their children unless there was absolute clarity this was not meant to be.

    You know I’m not extremely religious, but this I’ve always believed.

    Much love and several big hugs,


  9. January 6, 2014
    Katy Laulo

    ‎”We can’t know why the lily has so brief a time to bloom in the warmth of sunlight’s kiss upon its face before it folds into its fragrance and bids the world good night to rest it’s beauty in a gentler place. But we can know that nothing that is loved is ever lost and no one who has touched a heart can really pass away because some beauty lingers on in each memory of which they’ve been a part.” -Ellen Brenneman

    Having a sweet blossom in heaven, far sooner than I had ever hoped for, is a familiar sorrow we share. I often imagine my sweet little one, nestled in my Mama’s arms as she sings lullabies of Y’shua, just as she did to me, and it brings a gentle comfort. I’m praying for your family <3 Thank you for your beautiful words Suzy

  10. January 7, 2014

    I am so sorry. We are keeping everyone in our thoughts and prayers.

  11. January 7, 2014

    adding my condolences and prayers for all of you during this heartbreaking time.

    Yes, God does have a plan here which we do not know, but in the end, not matter what, He will have the glory and we will praise Him for it all

  12. January 7, 2014
    Laura Stone

    Suzy I am so sorry. I will be in prayer for your brother and his wife. A close friend of mine just lost twins last week as well it was their first pregnancy as well. Praying for hope, healing and that the Lord will hold them close during this time.

  13. January 8, 2014
    Louise Purdy

    Suzy I am so sorry. Our daughter has lost several children in utero, one right after her father-in-law’s death, and the pain is incredible and unique. But so is God’s power to comfort and heal, which I pray comes to Joey and Caitlin and all of you, soon.

  14. January 9, 2014

    Prayers. I’m so sorry.

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