What my tampon would say.

I’ve grown to expect bizarre, esteem-boosting, cliché-type one-liners from fortune cookies.  But apparently other products are trying to make more use of their space in my life.

For instance Dr. Bronner’s liquid soap utilizes every square inch of their bottle to influence my beliefs.  The lavender soap is telling me everything from, “Flee from the crowd and dwell with truthfulness,” to “Great peace is found in little busyness,” to “Therefore, poor beast, forsake thy wretchedness!  No longer let this world be thy stall.”  (It’s true.  I can’t make this stuff up.)

(Okay, Brian’s a little alarmed that I hijacked his soap during his bath.)

Mmhmm.  The Dr. Bronner’s thing can go a little overboard.  I’ve accepted that.

I was not, however, braced for the tampon packaging to start talking to me.

Here’s the thing: I ALWAYS forget a spare.  Fortunately my boss is ever so thoughtful and there are usually some spare tampons in the bathroom.  I suppose I have a preferred type that I buy for myself at home.  But beggars can’t be choosers in these sort of emergency situations.  So Playtex Super Sport it was that rescued me this afternoon.

So I grab a tampon and I’m ripping into it and suddenly I notice that the packaging says, “Celebrate a bold attitude.”

What.?.  Right now?  Like right this second.?.  Celebrate my boldness?  Huh?  In the salon bathroom… I need to celebrate being bold?  Who says I’m bold?  I’m forgetful is what I am.  Playtex, you DO realize that when women use your products, they’re likely sitting on a toiliet and not in a position to celebrate, right?

Then I see, “You’re a take-charge kind of girl.”

Um, because the tampon says so?

Playtex Super Sport, you’ve got one shot at making an impact, and that’s the kind of garbage you come up with?  That’s all you got?  My goodness.  I’m at a loss over how basic and pathetic this all is.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m all about knowing who you are and how you’ve been born with special gifts, talents and abilities.  But please, for the love of everything good and holy, do not define yourself by what the tampon packaging says!  Because I’m telling you… you’re more than that.  And at the same time, you’re less than that.  But ‘less than that’ in a none-of-us-are-perfect kinda way.  And ‘more than that’ in a we’ve-got-a-chance-to-be-redeemed-because-God-loves-us kinda way, too.

If I had a tampon package and could write anything on it for every woman to see, it’d probably say something like what I once heard my pastor say:

“Sure.  You’re a good person… in a relative sense.  You haven’t killed anyone.  You don’t steal.  You’re relatively good.  But God’s good in an absolute sense.”  …You really wanna bank everything on that relativity?  Or perhaps you’d like to look into the way He knew our brokenness and made a way to make us absolute, too.  Go check out Jesus.

That’s what my tampon would probably say.

That, and to go read Square Piece.


  1. October 22, 2011

    Oh my…the information I get from you…and your uncle wants to know if he needs to take you to a na meeting…lol

      • October 23, 2011
        Margaret Treadwell

        nutter’s anonymous?

      • October 24, 2011

        lol, that’s exactly what your unlce said you would say….if you don’t know what an na meeting is, you don’t need to go…he says we’ll just find you some mental help:) love you sweetie.

  2. October 23, 2011
    Momma @Donna

    okay, I must admit, the title threw me for a minute …

    but I totally see where you’re going with this … getting a pep talk from a tampon wrapper is just … weird!

  3. October 23, 2011

    well, that made me chuckle… 😀
    and if you want more of this kind of cleverly wrapped (pun intended) feminism, check out what they are putting on the teen version of feminine products…. it might make you want to scream, like it did me, when my preteen daughter and I bought some at Target this summer…. *sigh*

  4. October 24, 2011

    My tampon package would say, “This is all b/c Satan tempted Eve.” Then all of us women would get soooo annoyed at Satan even more so during this once-a-month ordeal and he would have even MORE “hell to pay” so to speak. Could you imagine, Satan trying to tempt a mob of hormonal women on their period? Yeah, I didn’t think so either. A HA HA HA!

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