What my tampon would say.

I’ve grown to expect bizarre, esteem-boosting, cliché-type one-liners from fortune cookies.  But apparently other products are trying to make more use of their space in my life.

For instance Dr. Bronner’s liquid soap utilizes every square inch of their bottle to influence my beliefs.  The lavender soap is telling me everything from, “Flee from the crowd and dwell with truthfulness,” to “Great peace is found in little busyness,” to “Therefore, poor beast, forsake thy wretchedness!  No longer let this world be thy stall.”  (It’s true.  I can’t make this stuff up.)

(Okay, Brian’s a little alarmed that I hijacked his soap during his bath.)

Mmhmm.  The Dr. Bronner’s thing can go a little overboard.  I’ve accepted that.

I was not, however, braced for the tampon packaging to start talking to me.

Here’s the thing: I ALWAYS forget a spare.  Fortunately my boss is ever so thoughtful and there are usually some spare tampons in the bathroom.  I suppose I have a preferred type that I buy for myself at home.  But beggars can’t be choosers in these sort of emergency situations.  So Playtex Super Sport it was that rescued me this afternoon.

So I grab a tampon and I’m ripping into it and suddenly I notice that the packaging says, “Celebrate a bold attitude.”

What.?.  Right now?  Like right this second.?.  Celebrate my boldness?  Huh?  In the salon bathroom… I need to celebrate being bold?  Who says I’m bold?  I’m forgetful is what I am.  Playtex, you DO realize that when women use your products, they’re likely sitting on a toiliet and not in a position to celebrate, right?

Then I see, “You’re a take-charge kind of girl.”

Um, because the tampon says so?

Playtex Super Sport, you’ve got one shot at making an impact, and that’s the kind of garbage you come up with?  That’s all you got?  My goodness.  I’m at a loss over how basic and pathetic this all is.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m all about knowing who you are and how you’ve been born with special gifts, talents and abilities.  But please, for the love of everything good and holy, do not define yourself by what the tampon packaging says!  Because I’m telling you… you’re more than that.  And at the same time, you’re less than that.  But ‘less than that’ in a none-of-us-are-perfect kinda way.  And ‘more than that’ in a we’ve-got-a-chance-to-be-redeemed-because-God-loves-us kinda way, too.

If I had a tampon package and could write anything on it for every woman to see, it’d probably say something like what I once heard my pastor say:

“Sure.  You’re a good person… in a relative sense.  You haven’t killed anyone.  You don’t steal.  You’re relatively good.  But God’s good in an absolute sense.”  …You really wanna bank everything on that relativity?  Or perhaps you’d like to look into the way He knew our brokenness and made a way to make us absolute, too.  Go check out Jesus.

That’s what my tampon would probably say.

That, and to go read Square Piece.